It’s been a month already since I started my new position, and the one keyword that comes to mind to summarize my job search journey is: choice.
For a long time, I operated (without even realizing) from a place of lack, of rushing, of fear, of wanting to prove myself and my worth. The few months of break time I took after my last position were so crucial in helping me understand myself, my motivations and motives.
All my positions prior to the last one were from opportunities that came to me. And looking back, I believe it was God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it, bringing me the right opportunity at the right time (I’ll make a post later on what each one meant for me, and did for me at the time).
The one position where I was the seeker turned out to be the most challenging, eventful, but also the most revealing. While it had me in an internal turmoil, it also made me question a lot of beliefs I realize I only held because of what society made me think.
Did I really know what I was looking for? What did I value in a job? Did I even want a job? And if I did, what were the characteristics I was seeking. I first went through a period of doubt – questioning myself. Could I trust myself, after choosing a job that stressed me out, and had me in a mental turmoil? How could I make a mistake, when I thought I knew what I wanted and what I brought to the table?
A lot of questioning filled my months-long break. And then slowly, the questions and answers shifted from feelings of blame, worthlessness and turned into an approach that allowed me to see things from an impartial, objective lens.
The darkness became the breakthrough that allowed light to come in. What I loved about my role as a project manager was the visibility, the ability to display my intelligence, the love of collaboration and exchange between me and my colleagues. But I went further than that – why did I want to feel visible? Were they areas of my life where I felt invisible? Why did I want to display my intelligence? Did I feel like it was the only way to prove my worth? Why did I love the collaboration piece? Did I not have enough stimulating exchanges in my everyday life? I had to analyze each question, carefully, methodically so I could extract the real answers, no matter how ugly and painful they were.
From that exercise, came the truth. I didn’t have to push for visibility. Just being alive and seeing the things I’ve accomplished and BEING were enough to remind me that I am visible. From a very young age, I was praised for my intelligence, and I had to get to a point to recognize that I didn’t need it to measure my worth. After all, this intelligence was not of my own doing. It was something I was born with, something that the divine bestowed upon me.
I am worthy regardless of my attributes and non-attributes. I am worthy on the sole reason that I AM.
Past the heavy lifting of understanding my previous motivations, I had to get into the heavy work of grieving the ugliness of all my previous work experiences, especially the last one. It’s a whole different experience when disorganization, unmanaged emotions, and stress get into the cooking pot of a work environment. The emotional damage is strong, and one needs to do the work of freeing themselves from the bad memories so they can move forward in life, and I did that.
My next step was to determine the characteristics I was looking for in a new opportunity and I knew that I was on the right track when none of the societal pressures were involved. Whether it was the rushing (from believing that we need ANY job for the sake of paying the bills), the illusion of prestige from a job title or a company, or the amount of money I was going to make (though, let’s be honest – I know my value enough to know that I won’t just accept anything ).
I was looking for a job with no to low stress, a great collaborative environment, with integrity, and a well paid opportunity which gives me flexibility and where my contribution makes a positive impact; the title mattered less. I put it out in the Universe, and lo and behold, I found the perfect opportunity.
I couldn’t be more thrilled that I got what I wanted. To me, it is proof that knowing yourself, being clear on your intentions and trusting the Universe is key to achieving your goals (I’d need to make another post on how we don’t accentuate the importance of spirituality in the professional environment enough, when in fact, that is where lies the key to our fulfillment).
Today, I am excited, grateful, happy with where I’m at. I’m healed from the lies and the illusions of society. I know I have nothing to prove to anyone and that life is of my own doing. I can direct it in the way that I want, and knowing that I have this power is to me, priceless.
